Evaluation in Conflict Management

Evaluation is one of the conflict management strategies. I'm amazed by how simple words like `I' and `You' can create a different reaction altogether from every person.

Evaluative You-Messages

- You never reveal your feelings.
- You just don't plan ahead.
- You never call me.


Descriptive I-Messages

- I sure would like hearing how you feel about this.
- I need to know what our schedule for the next few days will be.
- I'd enjoy hearing from you more often.


Simple and easy but unfortunately, people tend to only use the evaluative you-messages as they always like to save their own face. Recently, I have tried applying the use of both type of messages in my conversations and I found the results amazing. The difference in reaction is evident. Here is how the conversations sound like :


Friend A : Hey, lets online together tonight, then we chat till morning =)
Me : Sure anot?? You never online before also...
Friend A : WHAT??! I online everyday okay!!! You are the one who didn't online!
Me : Got la...I online every night...around 9pm...everyday sure got but never see you also..
Friend A : WEI!!! That's the prob la...I online 3pm onwards till around dinner time! You online later at night...How you see me??? Ask properly first la...
Me : oops...sorry sorry....okay....sorry a...


Well, disastrous isn't it? For all I know, friend A was uber pissed with me that day. Argh...Felt so bad...okay, let's continue with the I-messages...


Friend B : Hey, why you look so down today?
Me : Didn't I tell you?
Friend B : No, I don't think so...I was kinda busy this whole week remember...we hardly met la...
Me : Yeah, I remember...I would really like to confide to you my problems but sometimes I feel bad bothering you.
Friend B : awwwww.......Don't say like that...I would be more than happy if you are willing to share your secrets or problems with me...So, no matter how busy, I will give sometime...well, what are friends for if not to support you when you're down??
Me : Thanks a lot dear...


So, saw the difference in reaction? When you use the you-messages, people become all defensive of themselves straightaway as they see it as a form of personal attack. They react in a way to protect their image or save their own face. On the other hand, the I-messages focuses on the speaker than the receiver, thus the feeling of being attacked head on does not exist. Therefore, the person reacts more warmly to you as their defense is not on alert. Hence, you can see that using I-messages is way better than using you-messages. At least it reduces conflicts and maintains relationships. =)